this choice

what the... I am so frustrated and defeated as I cannot seem to get into the studio enough but simultaneously when I get here I kind of have no idea what I am doing. 
I am overwhelmed with ideas but also have total artist's block.

Why am I embroidering? But when I just draw it it seems so flat and lacking.  So then I go back to embroidering it.  But the conceptual reasons that I came to embroidering seem to not make sense to me anymore but finding the language for why I do it  all by myself seems impossible.  When I was building up my statement about my work before I was in the cocoon of graduate school and even though it has subtly evolved it is still mostly that. So now that I feel such a change of tide in myself and what I hope will come into my work I am scared to have to find the contextualization all by myself.  But I also feel and know that I have the need to do it.

I have been looking at artists a lot lately, specifically Annette Messeger and the photographer's that inspire me.  Which has been wonderful and also daunting, seeing all these personal artistic giants. I kind of just want to come to my studio and look at artists and read books and write but then I feel like I am wasting that precious time to make and create.   I want to get lost in words and images but not really in my fingers.

It is so strange this life. This choice.